On the surface, I am strong, independent, confident and give no f@£ks about what other people think of me. But start to scratch down to the inside, and you’ll find a very different person. For me, this is another topic I have never discussed with anyone before, so please bare with me as it does make me feel very vulnerable.
Okay, so you may have read my previous blog discussing all the stares that we had because of using Sign Language with my parents. I’m afraid, it doesn’t stop there. I think it’s been so instilled in me that people are always watching and judging.
Here’s a perfect example. I’m currently sat at my local train station waiting to get into the city centre to do all of my Christmas shopping (yay!), and I’m on the platform with a few other people. They may not be looking at me, they may be. I have no idea. But the anxiety bubbling away inside of me feels like I’m constantly being judged. Is there something on my face? Stuck to my back? Did I not zip up my jeans? They are looking and secretly laughing at something.
Clearly, they aren’t. These are all the scenarios going around in my head. The strangest thing is, this only ever happens when I’m alone. I guess when others are with me, I have the distractions from my thoughts, and completely forget about everyone else around me.
Is it normal to feel like this? In a society where mental health is now the forefront of everyone’s minds, it feels a little more acceptable to talk about feelings and emotions. But I’ve never heard of anyone feeling the same way as me. Am I just different? Is there something wrong with me? Please shed some light on this situation as I have no idea how to deal with it.
(I promise I will put in some more light hearted stuff on here soon!)